Release

Just as in earthly life lovers long for the moment when they are able to breathe forth their love for each other, to let their souls blend in a soft whisper, so the mystic longs for the moment when in prayer he can, as it were, creep into God.
Soren Kierkegaard

Creeping in to god. Releasing all that is in order to accept all that could be. Most religions have some idea of releasing and entrusting the will of the universe into your life and I find this Ida something to be terrifying to me. Not because I lack trust in the Spirit of Life and not because I doubt that the Mother of the World lacks influence I our life but because of the things that are done by those who claim that this is the plan that was given to them by their deity.

In a statement released by Zimmerman he stated that his murder of Trayvon was God's plan, Anders who shot the children's camp in Norway made a similar statement about it being "God's will."

There's a program on Netflix called What the Bleep do we Know? In this program they tell about how when the English settlers originally began arriving the Native Americans didn't see the ships that they came in because they were not aware at the time that boats like that existed. This lack of knowledge meant their brains were unable to comprehend the images they were given. The way that something was odd was the waves that were hitting the bottom of the boat and the strange clouds made by the ships sails Eventually the Medicine Man of the village saw the ship and because the villagers trusted the Medicine Man they saw the ships as well. Anne Frank wrote, "The best remedy for those who are alone, afraid or unhappy, is to go someplace quiet. Where they can be alone with heavens nature and God."

Creeping into the Spirit of Life should be something that is challenging. Opening yourself to seeing how to make yourself a blessing maybe uncomfortable, it may mean facing some harsh truths but violent, hateful and mean. That isn't holy. You can tell a lot about a tree by the type of fruit it blossoms. It isn't difficult to see when you know what you are looking for. Things that do no affirm the worth and dignity of all peoples are not things that are holy and no matter who some people believe are inspiring them I have my doubts that it's god.

Being Honest

“If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?” ― Rumi

As much as I would love to be the solution, really I am just as much the problem. To me it boils down to the fact that I am being honest. Tonight, Shaun comes up to me stating that it is something that annoys him that I am costing money when I rent movies that I keep forgetting to take back. (I know I do this, it's not on purpose but I have the attention span of a gnat and things fall by the way side.) And Things will fall by the way side. We have six/seven month old who is working on making herself mobile but has decided until she does she wants to be held, she wants to be the center of the universe and really it's normal. She's just time consuming, and taking care of her and keeping the house clean is no small task when you're working a 12 hr rotation swing shift job on top of it all. Could I use better time management, sure. But there really just aren't enough hours in the day to ensure that everything that needs to get done will indeed get done.

The actual issue here though is that there is no cherishing for the tasks that are completed. There are no pauses to be glad for what we have (quite miraculously) gotten accomplished. Our daughter has been fed, as have our dogs and we squeezed in time to feed ourselves too. The yard needs to be mowed and the dished need to be done and maybe someday I will finish putting the clothes away (maybe someday there will also be a reasonable amount to be washed).

Shaun says if I ever has an issue that when I mention it he tries to work on it, and I won't argue that he tries, he may give it all he has but I know that I don't see it. Maybe I am not looking in the right places but I also know that to an extent I have accepted all the things about him that I really don't like somedays but overall I love him (Most the time). There maybe some quirks that I could live without (like sulking and pushing the hard stuff to the back burner) but I love his heart and he has one of the kindest spirits I have ever had the pleasure of meeting and I love the person I have grown to become with him. I am also quite fond of the family that I have built with him and even though things are not always easy to me that does not mean that they are really bad. But life can make the simplest things seem difficult. But when I say that chances are the quirks about me aren't things that I can change, it does not mean that I don't care that he has a complaint, it means that I am who I am and I have been this person for 21 years. Chances of a change happening now are not high, I am not being negative, I am being honest. I appreciate that honesty but I think I might be the only one. I know this is true despite the fact that I spend some much time trying to converse to him that there are things that I wish he understood that I needed but I know that who I am with is really who I have gotten and really that is okay. There are going to be things that we do not always agree and understand about each other but those are the things that we are going to have to work on over time to get to place where we can both live comfortably.

There are somethings though that are triggers for me, and maybe I can teach him to word things in a way that converses his point without making me too mad to listen. I know there are many things that I need to work on but how can I make myself better if I cannot seem to hear?